Conflict: The secret ingredient to a healthy relationship

Author: Paul McNiff	Return to list
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008   | Comments (0)

As a couple Psychotherapist in Private Practice, I constantly hear new clients proudly proclaim to me that they never really fight. It’s as if by not fighting it proves to them that they’ve been having a great relationship.

In our society we have a fairy tale belief that once we’re married (or in a committed relationship) we will live “happily ever after”. Now logically we all know that this just isn’t possible or true, but emotionally there’s still a part of us that sort of expects it.

The reality is that when I am faced with a couple who proudly tell me that they don’t fight, a bell goes off in my head. Couples are often quite surprised when I tell them that this doesn’t necessarily mean that their relationship was working at that time. And they’re even more surprised when I tell them that I believe that conflict is a crucial part of any growing relationship.

Yes, you heard me right. I believe that conflict is not only important, but absolutely necessary for the growth and development of almost every relationship. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely not talking about abuse, violence or rage.

If you’re in a relationship where either you or your “better half” have become violent and has thrown or damaged property, or lashed out at each other in rage, then you need to stop reading this article right now and find a good couple therapist to help you work through it.

Violence and rage are not ok on any level at any time… and no matter how much you justify it in your head that it’s ok, or they didn’t mean it or that it won’t happen again… It’s not true… And if left without being worked through, statistics show that it will lead to more violence, shame, divorce and lots of regret. So if you’ve experienced that in your relationship, find some help right now. Please!

Now, back to why I believe that conflict is a crucial part of any growing relationship.

There are countless reasons why people don’t conflict in a relationship. When we begin a relationship we want everything to go smoothly. We want to be “happy” and for our lover to be happy and for everything to be nice and good. And for the first few months (or even up to the first few years) we can experience a “honeymoon period” when everything actually feels like that.

But eventually, you, or they, will say or do something that the other disagrees with. This is absolutely normal. It’s natural for two people in a relationship to have different points of view, different values, different expectations, different ideas, different fears, different priorities and different ways of doing things. You’ve both had different experiences of life and different upbringings, so this makes sense…

But because of the “happily ever after” pressure in our society, often, rather than saying anything that will “cause a fight”, we just hold back and keep it to ourself. The reality is that even though, on the surface we might not be conflicting, if we never conflict, then we’re doing a lot “holding back”. And while we might be able to do this for a while, eventually, just like the saying: “the straw that broke the camel’s back”, it will build up and we will “snap” or “over-react” over a small issue. The other thing we may find ourselves doing is “punishing” our lover in other ways because we’re not feeling satisfied and valued.

In fact, I would actually say that sometimes the reason that conflict escalates to violence and rage (not always) is because the underlying disagreements and issues weren’t dealt with early enough.

You’re holding back if you’ve said any of the following to yourself:

• “it’s just not worth saying anything to them”, or
• “they won’t listen”, or
• “it’s just how they are”, or
• “there’s no point, they won’t change”

When we’re avoiding conflict, it takes a lot of personal effort. We have to remember to “not say anything” when we’re annoyed by something. We have to smile when we don’t really want to.

What sort of relationship is it when you have to pretend to be something other than who you really are?

In many instances we hold back and avoid conflict for the following types of reasons:

• We fear that our expectations of the other are unreasonable (and sometimes they are, but isn’t it ok to talk about this with your loved one?)
• We fear that they’ll leave us if we say anything that opposes their view point
• We’re scared of fighting and don’t want to “rock the boat” or experience tension
• We justify that they’re just a man/woman and don’t know any better (what does this type of “judgement of the other” do to your relationship in the long run?)

But the reality is that relationships where people hold back are more likely to dissolve than relationships where people are open and honest about their feelings.

I believe that it’s not how little or how often we fight that dictates the health of our relationship… But it’s how well we actually deal with and resolve the disagreements that we have.

Imagine if we put six of the most intelligent scientists or engineers on the planet in a room together and asked them to talk about their beliefs and opinions around their field of study. How much time do you think would pass before they’d disagree with each other’s opinions? I’m guessing, not much! But this isn’t a bad thing… That’s how people grow…

You see, openly arguing and expressing what we really feel and think, allows us to be “real” with each other. And yes, sometimes this does create “tension”, but once that tension has settled a little, we are then able to talk openly about our differences and discuss possible ways for each of us to get what we need.

Now I’m not suggesting that you just start making demands of each other and attacking each other’s point of view or opinion. I’m suggesting that you become curious about what each other needs, feels and thinks in a given situation, and help them to understand what you need, think or feel as well.

If people don’t express what they really feel and think openly with each other, they don’t give the relationship an opportunity to provide them with what they need. And when a relationship doesn’t give people what they need, they’re more likely to look for those needs to be met elsewhere.

I’m suggesting that rather than just shelve or avoid arguments and disagreements to “keep the peace”, you actually risk conflict and openly discuss your differences… and then find ways to resolve them.

In most cases your loved one doesn’t think differently from you just to “get at you”. They really do believe what they think is relevant and valid, regardless of how different it may be to the way you think.

Being willing to risk the conflict and openly discuss your points of view will take some give and take on both parties side. But if you persist and actually learn to accept each other’s ideas as “valid” and be real with each other, you will both feel more nurtured and valued.

All relationships change and grow over time. Openly disagreeing and allowing conflict will let you to get to know each other and grow together as a couple, rather than feeling isolated and alone, and potentially walking away feeling dissatisfied.

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